girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
