He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
