i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
