Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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