No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
