if only i could text you this smell
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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