Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
