would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
