my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
