I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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