Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
