My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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