dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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