So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
