I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
