whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
