I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
