Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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