Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
