i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
