non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
