I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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