The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
