Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
