Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
