I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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