Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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