I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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