i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
