fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
