I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
