So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
