The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Dignity is for republicans.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
