Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
