When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
