Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
