would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
