are you still at the devil's house?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
