A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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