I just pynch a tree in the face
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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