you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
