you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my being single is dangerous.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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