I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
