You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
