You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
