People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
