Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
