That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
