Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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