so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
