Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
