Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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