tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
How's work?
Spinning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
