WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
