My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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