I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
