first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
